Documented Dogs

We were in the kitchen, I was cooking their food for the next few days and I’d sat on the sofa with a beer .

I was quickly colonised by the doglets and their bickering made a nice counterpoint to the music playing in the background- Halestorm’s Familiar Taste of Poison.

Milo was sniggering that his Blue Tick status on twitter was annoying some supposed adults and Cairo was giving him her Indignant Teddy Bear stare.

‘So.. why is HE verified and I’m not? Is it because he’s older and slower and doesn’t kill anything or otherwise do anything around here apart from showing how versatile his ears are?’

I pretended that I couldn’t hear anything and Milo just continued to do his Muttley impersonation.

Cairo yawned, slowly and deliberately, staring at him while she did so, her large jaws that had killed so many things recently were filled with sharp, shiny teeth.

Milo stopped his laughing.

She looked at me again.

Come on. Why is HE verified and I’m not? I’m just as cute – even if he’s slightly more famous.

I swigged some beer and looked into the middle distance, the hills offering no inspiration.

‘It’s like this. Milo’s is the account that I use when I want to annoy people. Yours is all sweet pictures and the odd death statistic. Also. You can only have one verified account on a phone. So…..’

She stared at me some more and Milo..

The little shit. Said.

‘Well that’s simple. Just get another phone and you can verify her too. Can’t you? ‘

They both stared at me, orange eyes glowing with some hidden amusement.


Cairo raised her head up, and showed her teeth again. I swear that she sounded like Glenn Close for a few seconds.

‘That’s a good idea Milo, or I can wait until you have an accident….’

She grinned.

Milo put a small paw onto my leg , stared up at me with his best floppy ear look and made his suggestion.

‘It’s her birthday in July. Perhaps you can verify her then…’

‘Yeah ok. I suppose. As long as it’s still funny. Might be even funnier with two of you.


I’m getting worried about how much you’re ganging up on me lately though, you’re enjoying it far too much.’

They grinned again and padded to the oven to indicate that it was time for their dinner to be served.

I took a long swig of my beer and consoled myself with knowing that the little shits were getting their jabs in a few weeks.

And another Sunday was nearly over.

A BeforeTime Story

It was fairly quiet in the office, a light rain was falling – again, and the dogs had been dozing while music played softly in the background, their little snores almost in time with the song.

I must have sighed or something because they were both suddenly alert and staring at me intently.

‘What? did I wake you?’

‘You seem sad, are you OK ? Are you? Are you? is it us? is it? is it?’

‘No, not you at all’ – they both relaxed slightly – ‘I just have a few friends who need more help than I can give them and that makes me a little bit sad.’

‘Tell us.’

‘No, you can’t help either, sorry.’

“Tell us a story, tell us something from the BeforeTime.’

‘The BeforeTime?’

‘Before Us.’

‘Hmm, what sort of story? – I’m not doing anything sad.’

‘Something interesting, fights and bravery, cowards and excitement, tell us, tell us.’

I could see that I wasn’t going to get any peace and to be truthful; it at least took my mind out of the state that I’d been in.

“Ok, this is a long, long time ago, before your own mums or their mums were born, before mobile phones and being able to work from an office at home like this.’

‘Yes, The BeforeTime, tell us.’

‘OK, let’s start on New Years Eve 1982, I was in a pub in Essex with two of my brothers and it was near closing time. I was talking to a barmaid and I noticed that a fight had started. I made my way outside with my brothers and a splinter group of five or six from the fighting people attacked us as we walked past.

We had short, sporadic fights with them for the whole of the walk home – almost two miles. A couple of them got hurt but we made it home unscathed. They had gone for reinforcements and were outside our house in cars.

It would have got much worse as we’d had time to go indoors to pick up some sharp bits and pieces, but as luck had it, the police turned up and broke everything up for the night.’

They were watching me closely.

‘Is that the story?’

‘No, it’s just how the story starts, because after that night, I had an enemy and he wanted my blood.’

Their eyes widened.


‘ I never found out, it may have been as simple as me talking to the barmaid, but it made life interesting for a while.’ I used to work at the back of a hospital and went to parties in the nurses’ homes at least once a week and every now and again he’d turn up with some of his mates and it would get tense.’

‘I got asked by some nurses to ask him and a few of his mates who’d got rowdy, to leave a party once and had just convinced his group to go, only to find that somebody had called the police, so that didn’t help – and it just rolled on, he’d see me, he’d make threats and i’d mostly ignore him, if he was going to do anything on his own, he’d have done it. I was his enemy, but he wasn’t mine, I didn’t care enough.’

Cairo looked at me intently.

‘Do I have enemies?’

‘Yes. sort of, yours are hardwired into you, you killed one yesterday.’

Her eyes glowed.

‘Yes the French. They must die.’

“Hang on? the fucking French? what’s that about?’

“No, I said RATS, RATS, you heard French, I think that says more about you than you’d like people to know.’

Milo nodded.

“She did.’

I wasn’t convinced that the two little bastards weren’t winding me up, but what could I do?

‘Anyway, time went on and I forgot all about him as usual. And then I went to the same pub where the fight happened with three friends for a midweek evening drink. We’d had one beer each when in he walked with eleven of his mates, he looked very happy.’

“You’re fucking dead tonight.’ He stated flatly and I was doing the maths in my head.

Twelve of them and four of us. None of the others were fighters really, although one of them claimed repeatedly to be a Kung Fu expert, but I was never convinced.

So, one ‘fighter’, one borderline alcoholic who was very overweight and one normal bloke who worked as a lab technician – and me.

We were fucked.

The odds were three to one and one of the other lads on his side was almost seven feet tall.

I turned round to look at my meagre group of friends, only to find that two of them, the ‘fighter’ and the fat lad had run through the back door without even saying goodbye.

We were really fucked.

I turned to the lab technician and told him the plan.

‘Right, you need to go outside, go to the phone box and call the police and an ambulance, I’m going to need both. Off you go.’

The idiot surprised me.

“Fuck off, I’m staying, I’m not leaving you alone for this.’



I glanced behind me, all twelve were watching intently, I couldn’t be sure what was going on but nobody had thrown a punch yet.

I spoke to my friend.

‘Fine, don’t blame me if you get killed, you stupid bastard, we can’t win here and they all know it.’

I turned to them.

‘Don’t you?’ I asked softly and they had to lean in to listen.

“I know that I’m getting a kicking here, although I don’t remember what it is that I’m supposed to be getting it for, but that’s fair enough. I’m not walking away tonight under my own power. ‘

A few of them grinned.

The dogs looked even more alert.

‘Were you scared? Were you?’

‘Yes, of course I was, there was no way on earth that we could win. But I also couldn’t let my friend get hurt, so I spoke a little bit more softly.’

‘So, I’m going down tonight, that’s OK with me, but he’ – pointing to my friend – ‘isn’t anything to do with this, he’s brave but he’s fucking stupid. But twelve on one isn’t really fair is it?’

I looked at them all, a few, the toughest looking ones were nodding, so I kept talking.

‘Here’s what I think we should do, me and you’ – pointing at my self-appointed enemy – ‘We go outside and the winner walks back in here. If it’s you, then we’re done. If it’s me – then…’

I looked at the group.

“One of you is next and we go again. And again if need be. I know that I’m going down and it might be you..’ – pointing at him again and touching him on the shoulder. ‘I know you have a decent reputation as a fighter, but I dunno. Anyway, I’m getting fucked up tonight, we might as well get on with it.’

I watched him hesitate.

‘Or, like I said earlier, I can’t remember what it was that started this and I don’t really care, we could just say fuck it and have a beer. Your call, I’ll buy the first one.’

He clapped me on the shoulder and shook my hand. I sat on the barstool and started ordering drinks, my face hadn’t changed but my legs had given way.

The dogs were starting to doze again.

‘And your friend, the brave one, is he still a friend?’

‘Yes, he was there at my wedding and had a big part to play in my stag do.’ ‘

“And i was Best Man at his wedding some time ago, I also saved him from a couple of beatings – and I just messaged him again because it’s been a few years and friends should be for life.’

The sun had now come out and the dogs were asleep again – and…..

I felt slightly better, we can only do what we can, it’s the trying that’s important.

Interlude. Travel and Robots, Dogs and Conversation

It’s Sunday evening. I’m cooking Duck a L’orange and Cairo is wandering around as music plays in the kitchen. There’s a log fire and Milo is asleep in front of it.

I went to a wake yesterday and was mildly surprised to find that I was the first speaker, I hadn’t prepared and had never met him.

It seemed ok when I spoke, I’m fairly good at bullshit. I left early for two reasons.

Firstly, I’d arranged to meet somebody new from Twitter

Secondly, one of my oldest and best friends told me he was terminal this week and I couldn’t quite trust myself not to get maudlin.

It was a good call.

I had a fantastic, wide ranging conversation that spanned decades.

And books. And films. And jobs. And parents. And robot lawnmowers. And lived experiences. And writing . And doglets. Particularly rescue doglets.

Genuinely a great evening.

Take a moment for yourself when you read this. Have a drink of something nice, call an old friend or tell somebody you love them. Or cuddle your own doglet.

Life can be good.

If we allow it

In the end

The past is a strange thing, it sometimes comes back and you get a reminder of things you’ve done and the reasons that you did them.

This isn’t really a blog post, it’s a stitching together of the various posts of what happened in the days when my Uncle and Aunt were controlled and coerced, robbed and abused, moved at no notice from county to county and finally rescued.

There’s one more thing. That will be at the end of this post – I hope that this is the last time that I have to type the name Susan Auckland, but I guess we’ll see.

So. In order, this is the whole story to date:

True Detective



The Last Detective

No Country For Old Men


Cry Havoc


The Voice on The Wire

28 Weeks Later

Sucker Punch


The Big Sleep

Put Your Lights On

It was all closed off, the house was sold, the money is paying for Shirley’s care, her relatives are seeing her on a regular basis.

But it appears that some people can’t help repeating their previous behaviours and Susan has turned up again in a small town in Scotland.

Here’s the difference this time.

She’s managed to make somebody suspicious at an early stage.

And they’ve done it to the wrong person this time, somebody who will do the right thing.

They contacted me last week, I was initially suspicious, but I’ve got quite good at this and I found that they’re a real person, with a documented life and no agenda but to do the right thing.

So we spoke.

I’ve offered advice where I can and given names of those in the police and social services who can give the locals information if needed.

And just like that, the world is slightly smaller for Susan and slightly brighter for anybody that she may have been targeting.

To the person who contacted me, I’m glad that you did.

For everybody else. This isn’t an isolated issue, if you’re worried about somebody- call it out, report it. Follow up. It can’t hurt and you may just stop somebody from financially or physically abusing somebody vulnerable.

For Susan. If you’re still name-searching via your solicitor- I hope that this is a good read for them.

This should be the end now. I guess we’ll see

Interlude – The Zen Marksman

Imagine, a small god of hedgerows and countryside; genial and amenable, but slightly bored in the winter lull.

Imagine this small but happy god, it’s been drifting with a bird of prey, watching through the extraordinary eyes of the bird as it sees a pair of beings from a height of over 500 feet.

The god can see a strange aura between the two beings and drops from the raptor to get closer to the two.

This is what it sees.

One smaller being, one larger. The larger being moves more slowly and wears multiple layers of clothes.

One smaller being, one larger. A master and a pupil.

The master is teaching a lesson to the pupil and the god gets a little closer to pick up the thought patterns as the teaching continues.

The master’s focus is incredible, he has sighted on a single leaf of a sprawling holly bush and can see every single vein, every detail of every needle.

He sights in on the centre of the leaf, a tiny area where the main vein bisects the leaf and is exactly the same distance from the needle at either side.

Pausing for a second, the master tells the student that this is what is known as ‘Mushin” in Japanese, it translates as either ‘no mind’ or ’empty mind’ – this is vital to the accuracy of the shot that he will take.

He pauses.

He begins to control his breathing and focusses in even further on the leaf.

The god is fascinated, it has never seen this before and it is amazed even further when the master’s aura shimmers and blurs – focus is now complete.

The master is ready to let fly at his target.

His body is still, his mind calm, every muscle is attuned to the task.

He lifts one leg.

And lets fly with a a stream of urine that hits the leaf exactly where he has aimed.

The god begins to drift away, there is no more to learn here.

As he gains altitude, it hears from the pupil for the first time.

“Fucking hell Milo, I thought you’d never do that, can we start walking again now please?’

Smile Back

I’m sat in my office right now with two sleeping doglets. Music in the background and I’m monitoring some issues for work.

It’s quiet and peaceful and I can see a huge section of the Shropshire Hills through the windows.

It’s genuinely a good life and sometimes i think that I could happily slow down and keep slowing down. And sometimes I remember that my blood used to sing when I was younger and that I had no self-imposed limits to what I’d do if I thought something needed to be done.

Somebody that I’ve never met died at the weekend and I became a bit-player in their last act for a few weeks as the opportunity to help them and their family was placed in front of me.

It couldn’t be ignored and I never mentioned it publicly.

The man in question was a genuine one-off who influenced thousands of people, whilst upsetting quite a few others too. The world is a poorer place without him, he was a free-thinker, a good man and a good father. Word of his death would definitely trigger strong responses.

So I volunteered to do so. I have no family connection, no emotional ties and I’m not a fragile flower.

My Twitter timeline exploded for a few days, mostly from people who were upset to hear the news, along with hundreds of people sending abuse that was boring, repetitive and ultimately pointless. I wasn’t offended or bothered even once, even the worst messages were sent by people of limited or no imagination.

It did amuse me for a while and I’ve saved some of the best / worst examples for later use at some point.

And I’m glad I did it, it drew the attention away from others for a few days – while getting the news out in a controlled fashion.

But it’s made me think (again) at the nature of our time in the world and if anything it’s reinforced my view of things .

Our time here is short, there are no guarantees as to when we go – the three sisters weaving our fates won’t give us a preview.

I’ve found myself rereading ‘Meditations’ by Marcus Aurelius – Book 7 has this to say.

‘Think of yourself as already dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly’

I like that idea.

He’s also quoted as saying ‘Death smiles at us all; all a man can do is smile back’

He didn’t, but it’s still good advice.

Or you can take this quote and make what you will.

Go live your life, don’t be one of the small-minded blind-hate brigade.

Smile back.

What Rough Beast ?

You know that you’ve had more than enough to drink when your dogs start to recite poetry at you on New Year’s Eve.

I was just finishing some rather lovely bourbon when Milo – it’s always him, he’s the deep thinker of the two. Cairo is more of a Special Forces doglet, she’s sweet and intelligent, a natural born killer, but he’s the deep one.

He looked up and just stared in that way that he does, the fire roaring behind him, the rain and the wind battering the house.

‘So then, New Year…will we all be ok ?’

Cairo’s ears perked up, it’s Year Zero for her, this is all new.

I waited for a while before answering.

‘Probably. That’s the best I can say really. I hope so and I’ll do my best to make sure’

Cairo sat next to him, I now had two sets of glowing eyes to contend with.

‘Does that mean that you’ll take us back to the sad place?’

She looked so distraught, I could feel myself welling up.

‘No. That’ll never happen whatever the future holds, that will never happen. I’ve made arrangements and you’d never want for anything- either of you’

Then it was Milo. They were teaming up.

‘What if it’s us, will you be there? You won’t leave us will you ?

Cairo nudged closer to him

I was at a loss… and then. And then.

You’ve been listening to poetry again haven’t you ? who is it this time?

And in unison, which is pretty fucking creepy when dogs do it, they recited, the fire going dimmer behind them.

‘Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere   

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst   

Are full of passionate intensity.’

I laughed. Thank fuck for that.

They stared.

‘Yeats. You’ve been listening to Yeats. He’d just had a kid. That was at least the third woman that he’d proposed to. ‘

They kept staring.

‘I’m not going anywhere. Nor are you – at least not over New Year. None of us.’

They kept staring.

‘Do you promise’

‘ I promise to stay with you for as long as we all live – good enough? ‘

They ran to the back door and patrolled the grounds. I had another quick drink.

Happy New Year all. Here’s to 2023

The White Shadow

This may be a bit of a rambling post, let’s see how it goes.

I have a white shadow with me almost every hour of every day that I’m at home.

The shadow is always there and is currently sat on the sofa in my office. The shadow is watching me type right now.

In a while, the shadow will sleep, dozing quietly and contentedly in the sun while music plays and I talk to people across the world in conference calls.

I’ve been looking back on life and pondering the choices that brought me here.

‘If I’d done that thing instead of this, where would I be? Would anything at all be the same?’

It’s the sort of mental exercise that could leave you second-guessing your whole life.

The Vikings believed that much of our fate was predetermined, but not all of it.

The imagery most often used in Viking myth and literature to depict fate — three sisters, sitting at the base of the World Tree where they weave the fates of all men and gods on their looms shows that the Vikings believed our fates are an evolving, ever changing pattern that is constantly being created

So, was I always destined to be here, in this place, at this time, with a sleeping shadow opposite me?

Who knows?

I met an old flame for dinner in London a few weeks ago, we hadn’t seen each other for at least ten years and we spent the first hour tentatively catching up. She now has two kids and a dog, has moved house and job and seems happy. I’ve moved house more than a few times, still have no kids but have two dogs.

We then proceeded to get drunk and probe some old wounds.

Then we got drunker, went dancing til three and I put her safely into a pre-paid black cab back home.

We’ll likely go out again in a few weeks, we’re definitely in the friend zone now, but once… it could have all been different. A different thread leading to a different strand altogether.

The shadow is now asleep as I type and won’t move until I do in a few hours. It’s a very peaceful time of the day (09:30) – no calls and not a lot of work to do today.

Although I have to go to a funeral.

It’ll be a nice funeral, it’s for an old neighbour, she lived to be 95 and was fit and healthy towards the end, I’ll catch up with some old neighbours and will then move on to see my old landlord / next door neighbour and have a cup of tea.

He had a heart attack last year and has decided to make a ton of changes to his life, including selling his businesses and starting to consolidate a large property empire.

He’s also bought a Ferrari.

I’m genuinely looking forward to seeing him again, I loved living next door to him and Milo would happily follow him around the workshop all day – as long as sandwich sharing was involved.

And there’s another thread.


I’ve written too many words about him really, but suffice to say that I love the little maniac more than I ever thought I could and that he’s shaped the past few years in many ways. One of the reasons that I bought this house was the nearly two acres of land and trees that came with it. It’s a playground for dogs as well as having views across the Shropshire Hills.

My office is a new addition and sits just behind the orchard. I’m looking out at the Wrekin as I type, (the shadow is still asleep)

But a few years ago, it was massively different.

When I started This story I lived around the corner to the lady whose funeral I’ll attend later. This was two houses ago for me and I worked for an entirely different company.

In fact I hated my job and that came to a close during the Arthur and Shirley saga too, leading into a short but painful period of unemployment and then an offer for three months contract work that turned into a full time job that’s taken me back out to Malaysia and Australia and given me something very rare for me.

Actual friends in the workplace.

The last time that happened was 10 years ago or so and I’m glad to say that they’re still friends, still in touch and even joined my birthday drinks in Nottingham a few weeks ago.

Speaking of the Arthur and Shirley Saga, that came to an end as a story earlier this year and I’m happy to say that Shirley is still doing well and is being regularly visited by the family that she’d lost touch with after Susan threw away her address books. Here she is yesterday (December 20th) with photos of Cairo on the wall behind her along with a new ‘memories’ photo frame from her family.

That’s a thread that I’m glad that I took, it gave me some new friends that I hadn’t previously known in real life and showed me just how good people can be in the face of true, low level, vapid evil.

It took me to some strange places, showed me the best and worst of people and stripped away some of the things that I had been before. I’m not necessarily a better person now – in fact, I’m far from ‘good’, but I can’t ignore random chance anymore or pretend that I can’t see people in need when I can help.

My grandfather was a blacksmith and I’m not sure if my love of all things sharp and shiny comes from him or some other place deep in my ancestry, but I’m taking the opportunity in February to use a few days leave and take a three day Damascus knife-making course.

And there’s another thread.. a complete coincidence. probably ( I said this may be rambling) but on the second night of my course, I’ll be attending a black-tie award ceremony for something I kicked off here. and it’s just ten miles down the road, just one of the many coincidences that seem to happen when you make a decision.

Is it fate? Is it all predetermined?

I have no idea.

My shadow has moved to the bed under my desk and has been joined by Milo in the office.

It’s been such a short time really, but she’s become so attached to me and I to her that it’s hard to remember life without her.

But without the decision to take Milo, fuelled by my love of another person’s dog and the need to have my own companion, triggering a seemingly random and unstoppable series of events, neither of us would be in this place at this time.

Like I said, it’s rambling, it can play with your mind a bit.

I can’t change any of it – and I wouldn’t.

The Line

We’re living in strange and unprecedented times and it’s genuinely hard to keep up with the state of the country and the wider world beyond. If you’re above a certain age (and living in the UK) the standards that we were brought up to believe were good for all of us have been eroded to such an extent that it feels like a different country altogether.

The Police, once the people that you could rely on to be there when you needed help, have become politicised to such a degree that they’re unrecognisable. Misgender somebody or go for a walk outside during ‘lockdown’ and you’re in deep trouble. Pull down statues, vandalise property, block roads or access to foodstuffs and it’s er.. more or less ok.

Don’t get burgled or robbed in broad daylight, they’ve better things to do.

The sainted NHS, saviour to our nation is still not allowing visitors to sick relatives in some locations and we’re in for another winter of doom, despite around 40% of our GDP being paid to it.

Male sex offenders are being treated as women – because they say that they are. Eddie Izzard is running as a candidate to be a Labour MP – as a woman. He’s a biological man who hasn’t undergone surgery or any transition activities at all, but if you say this, you’re a bigot.

Child Molesters are openly supporting Transgender pressure groups and grown men are dressing as women and displaying their genitalia to children, with no penalties. They get applause instead.

Government is now just a collection of people who want to tell US what to do rather than being servants of the people.

A multi-millionaire who screwed the public finances, triggered a leadership election for the sitting Prime Minister and lost a membership vote is likely to be Prime Minister today without undergoing any form of public vote apart from as a local candidate in the 2019 General Election.

He’s done this with collusion from the media and fellow travellers from his own party, despite being fined for the same issues that killed off his previous boss

The war in Ukraine drains our finances and is threatening to bring in power-cuts for our population later this year – horribly similar to the lockdown rules.

Inflation is rising and taxpayers are being squeezed – again, while thousands of illegal immigrants flood our shores every week and are then given four-star accommodation and benefits – at our cost.

Let’s not even mention Covid-passes, Digital ID and all that entails, we narrowly squeaked through last year and they’ve had to pause.

These things may or may not be related, I’m suspicious enough of our government that I took steps to reduce my dependency on the grid last year, a few hours of power-cuts – even daily won’t hurt at all.

But it will close pubs, we’ll lose more pubs and restaurants, local shops and businesses as they won’t be able to continue to even break even. Horribly similar to lockdown.

What are we supposed to do in the face of this relentless assault on our liberties, freedoms and way of life?

Who knows.

I do know that the answer isn’t to demand the othering of people, I want the idiot protesters dealt with under existing laws, not to have new laws removing the right to protest.

For Izzard and his ilk, laugh at them, they hate it.

For ‘our’ government, no idea, they hold the cards today but it’s a very tenuous grip on power and could be removed in days if enough of us wanted that – except we’d need a better alternative.

So.. What to do?

Stand strong, stick to those values, I’ve let vulnerable neighbours know that I’ll have power when we lose it and that they’ll be welcome.

Keep talking to people, meet up with friends and relatives in person when you can; give something to those in need if you can, share ideas, push back at the frankly ludicrous agendas being forced upon us.

Hold your line if you think you’re doing the right thing.

Do what you think is right, not what others tell you.

Act like you’re in the middle of an invisible war.

Because we may be.

Netflix One-Off Special


It’s early June 1994, life as we know it was much different, the weather was massively variable, a rail strike was hurting the country and Fred West was blissfully unaware that he’d soon be huge news.

Mobile phones were in their infancy and in many ways; life was simpler.

Not for a section of the Norfolk Broads though.


The Groom – (TG)

The Best Man, an architect and otherwise intelligent man in his late 30s – referred to here as That Fucking Idiot (TFI)

The Biochemist (Bio)

The Accountant (TA)

The IT Specialist (IS)

The Builder (the wealthy one, also the drunk – TD)

The Place

The Norfolk Broads, particularly Wroxham and the surrounding area

The Venue

A fifty foot long Broads Boat hired by TFI from Blake’s Boatyard, at the time a smallish independent operator. they’ve long since disappeared but the boat looked a bit like this.

Scene – Day One: Early Morning

A group of six men in their 30s meet at roadside for a minibus to take them to Norfolk, they’re all fairly well dressed, all have a small bag for extra clothes and are standing around a stack of beer that’s nearly six feet tall. There’s also a portable stereo that is already playing a mix of music that seems designed to annoy others.

TFI – ‘are we all ready for this, got all your stuff?’ He leers at The Groom

TG – ‘just remember the rules, try to tie me to anything or shave anything and I’ll murder you and dump your body overboard’

Everybody looks at their feet.

Four hours later – The Boat.

Boatyard Guide – “Right, are we all listening, you need to be really careful, this is a big boat and some of the sidings are covered in iron. You need to make sure that you undo the awning if you’re taking the roof back. This is how you go forward – and backwards, keep the speed low and steady, don’t do any sudden turns. Make sure you take the key out if you leave the boat.

Everybody – nods and ‘yeah, OK’

Boatyard Guide – ‘OK – let’s go’

He executes a flawless and very fast 180 degree turn and jumps off the boat.

TFI takes the wheel, beers are opened and everybody dumps their bags in the cabins while ‘Right Next Door To Hell’ blares from the CD Player.

Ten Minutes Later

TFI to The Groom – ‘Let’s take the roof back!”

TG- ‘Don’t forget to….’


TFI – ‘What was that?’

TG – ‘That was the awning ripping out and flying into the river, you stupid cunt’

TFI – ‘What?’

TG- ‘That’s our deposit gone and you’d better hope that it doesn’t fucking rain now’ – he takes a long drink of beer while the others inspect the broken woodwork.

One Hour Later

The boat is moored at a pub, our heroic band are spending money as fast as possible while bemoaning the fact that the pub is too quiet.

Another Hour Later

Everybody is back on board and TFI takes the wheel. He guns the throttle into reverse and slams the boat into a siding. Ignoring the crash, he spins the wheel and embeds the iron siding into he boat a few feet above the waterline – there’s now an eight foot gash in the skin of the boat.

Everybody – ‘whatthefuckyoustupidcuntwhatthefuckinghellTWATCUNTyoufuckingidiot’

TFI -‘Well that was how he did it in the boatyard’

TG ‘Why don’t you go and ask him to do some draughtsmanship for you for fucks sake. You know that we now owe THEM money don’t you?’ Another long drink is taken and a quiet sob can be heard.

Two Hours Later

Two of the cases of beer are now empty and the boat has now taken on the air of a group of Death Row Prisoners trying to enjoy their last day.

IS -‘Hang on there’s a boat full of women there, they’re waving at us… OI, TFI, get us closer’

The two boats draw alongside and IS, TA and TG jump across with two cases of beer. The music on our boat gets louder and people frequently jump between boats. It’s agreed to moor up in Wroxham and find a pub.

4PM Day one.

Both boats are moored up, there are no other boats nearby and everybody is well on the way to being ever so slightly drunk.

11PM Day One. Wroxham

Everybody goes back to the boats for a party having offended a large number of innocent tourists trying to have a nice time in the pub. The circle around the group becoming wider and wider as the level of offensiveness rises.

1AM Day TwoOur Boat

The girls have returned back to their boat along with IS who’s on a promise, TD is asleep on the jetty, Bio is wandering around aimlessly and TA is ranting at The Groom about the lack of reliability of TFI. ‘He’s a fucking menace and I’d like to drag him behind the boat tomorrow, it’ll be safer for all of us and… I CAN’T GET IN THE FUCKING CABINS…. WHERE IS HE?WHERE’STHE FUCKING KEY………’

They jump onto the Jetty and TA is still shouting -‘THERE’S A LIGHT ON IN THAT FUCKING CABIN I’M GOING TO…….

There’s a muffled splash and TA appears coughing and struggling as he’s walked off the jetty into the river in the dark.

TG is doubled over laughing hysterically – TA has to be rescued by BIO and TG is still laughing as he coughs his way aboard, drenched and filthy. Luckily TG had a huge sweater on board and TA is able to strip down to boxers and have a warm top as they trudge to the girls’ boat.

1:15 AM Day Two – The Girls’ Boat

Girl One – ‘Oh thank god you’re here, can you take him back with you? We’ll make you a bacon sandwich each..’

TFI -‘Hello’

Everybody – ‘YoulockedusCUNTofheboatdCUNTyoufuckingidiotCUNTwherearethekeys?’

1:45 AM Day Two

Everybody but IS is back on the boat and soon asleep.

7AM Day Two

The group gather on the deck and look at their sad little boat, something hideous has been spilled on the deck and has left a deep stain, there’s bottles and cans everywhere and the quiet little berth that was empty at 4PM the day before is absolutely surrounded by families on boats .

They’re also outside a Police Station.

Bio makes a cup of tea for everybody while TFI decides that he’s going to play his new AC/DC album again – or more to the point, he plays ‘Heatseeker’ Again and again. Bellowing out the word Heatseeker occasionally. By this point, it’s not clear if he just enjoys it, is having a mental breakdown, is still drunk or is just winding up. TG thinks it’s a combination of the last two.

IS boards the boat to thunderous applause and the group are now becoming aware of the crowd of boats around them. They’re also surprised at the goodwill they’re being extended, one boat is offering more bacon sandwiches which are gratefully accepted and there seems to be nobody upset at last night’s noise. One older couple said it made a nice change and that they were listening to the music while having a bottle of wine on deck..

9AM Day Two The group decide to brave Wroxham to find a proper breakfast and are soon fascinated by this unusual little backwater.

And that nearly everything is called Roys.

There’s a general store and a toy store amongst others.

And rather bewilderingly, Miss Roy.

It’s all a bit too much for Bio, who wants to ask random people in the street if they’re called Roy. The group drag him into a cafe and over breakfast, they discuss the day.

The Groom will call his dad (from a phone box) and arrange for him and a few other people who couldn’t make the whole trip and tell them to meet at…

A discussion is held.

Nobody can be bothered to move, so as long as the group aren’t barred, they’ll take residence in the pub again for the day.

TA and Bio spot a huge mannequin of a butcher and pose for photos with it, annoying the actual butcher in the shop as they take pose after pose. They giggle to each other as they walk away.

10AM Day Two

The group enter the pub sheepishly, not entirely sure if they’re welcome and are greeted by the landlady.

‘Morning lads, we’ve restocked with bottled beer after last night, want a drink on the house?’

TG – ‘Yes please, six Becks please.. Listen, we were a bit, we loud last night, sorry if there were any issues.’

Landlady – ‘You spent more last night than every other person in the pub combined – even if you double their spend. Stay as long as you like, just don’t start a fight or burn the place down and we’re good’

Grinning, she walks away.

TA – ‘She’s right, we need to top the whip up, we spent nearly £500 yesterday’

Everybody tops the fund up and the drinking begins again.

12PM Day Two – The girls pop in for a drink and to say goodbye and good luck and they leave the pub in a cloud of giggles into the sunlight.

The Jukebox is topped up with enough money to ensure that nobody else will get a choice in music until evening and the group settle in for a gentle afternoon of drinking, talking and playing word-based drinking games.

One goes like this.

A word is said …..

‘The’ perhaps.

The next person has to add a word “Giraffe”and the next person has to add a word as well as saying the previous words.

The Giraffe went out into Soho to buy the monkey from the bar one of those rare orchids that can not be seen unless you watch a film with dark clothes and a cup of cold piss from a zebra – fuck what was the next word?’

2PM Day Two -The game comes to a shuddering halt when TFI unwittingly brings the group close to hysteria.

‘Outer. Space. Outer Space is. Outer Space is Dodgy’

The group set to drinking in earnest and at:

3:30 PM Day Two –

The Groom’s dad and a few others, including a designated driver walk in. Ironic cheers and shouts of ‘hello you old cunt’ can be heard. He sits with the group as beers are ordered and looks around nervously at the people already giving dirty looks to the group.

Dad – ‘christ, keep it down a bit, you’ll get us all barred’

Everybody – loud laughter, cries of ‘fuck off’

Dad – ‘I mean it, some of these people look really pissed off’

TG – in a kind and gentle voice – ‘Don’t worry Dad, we’ve been given a green light to do anything we like by the landlady as long as nobody gets hurt. We’ve already spent more today than Wiggy over there will spend in a fortnight’

Dad – looks round nervously and sees a man in a bad wig glaring back at them. – “fucksake keep it down..”

TG – ‘What for Wiggy, Wiggy can fuck off if he doesn’t like it’

The group – ‘Fuck off Wiggy’

Six grown men collapse into giggles at the horror and outrage, they’re beyond reason by this point and the newcomers realise that the only thing to do is to drink hard and fast.

Dad – ‘How’s the boat?’

TG – ‘It’s fucked, we probably own the boatyard a couple of grand and it’s still only Saturday, that’s one of the reasons that we haven’t moved – so that mad cunt’ he shrugs at TFI ‘ can’t cause any more damage’.

The afternoon progresses and at one point TA and Bio go to get more cash.

5PM Day Two

A loud commotion can be heard outside and a butcher is shouting at the sky, his mannequin seems to have decided to leave home and take up a spot on a jetty across the bridge.

TA and Bio are giggling.

7PM Day Two –

A vote is taken and it’s agreed that the now extended group will go and find some actual food. IS runs out and checks that a table at the local Indian Restaurant is available and the group walk over. Cries of ‘Heatseeker’ and ‘Wiggy’ can be heard throughout the town.

730PM Day Two – Indian Restaurant Wroxham

The group are ordering and ‘Dad’ confesses that he’s never had an Indian meal. The Manager comes over to help him choose food, while all around huge amounts of Naan Bread, Tikka, Rice, Jalfrezi, Vindaloo and Phaal are ordered, along with thirty bottles of beer to get started.

Dad – ‘What should I have?’

Manager – he has a pleasing West Country accent – “whatever you like, but I’d go for something gentle or even something with chips if you like.’

Dad – OK, I’ll probably go with something with chips, but I keep hearing them order Phaal and laughing – what is that?

Manager – leans in and whispers – ‘don’t even try it, it’ll burn your fucking arse off’ – he walks away grinning

10PM Day Two – The Groom’s Dad and others now have a two hour drive back to Essex and beery and loud farewells are said. The car drives away to cries of “Wiggy and Heatseeker’

The group go back to the pub and actually behave themselves.

1AM Day Three The Boat

Nobody has thrown up, lost any keys, fallen in the river, stolen anything or even shouted, the group go to bed and agree that tomorrow they’ll head upriver before their welcome runs out.

9AM Day Three The Pub

The Group go into the pub to say goodbye. They’re given a fond farewell and leave the bar, stealing a few souvenirs along the way, including the signs from the toilet doors.

9:30 AM Day Three The Boat

The boat is now back on the broads without incident, it’s a blisteringly hot morning and The Drunk, Keeper of the Beer makes a sad admission.

TD – ‘We’re out of beer’

TA – ‘What, how?’

TD – ‘Well, we fucking drank it all I suppose’

Bio – ‘No, what he means is, that you were supposed to fucking tell us so that we could buy more yesterday’

TD – ‘Sorry’

Bio and TA in unison – ‘Cunt’

TG – you do realise that it’s a fucking Sunday and we’ve got hours to go before we can buy some more?’

TFI -‘Let’s put some music….’

IS – leans across the CD Player, ejects the AC/DC album and skims it at a passing boat. ‘Fuck off we’re never playing that fucking track again’

11AM Day Three – Maps have been consulted and the boat is heading for a small pub with a berth and there’s a shop within half a mile.

Bio – ‘I can’t take any more of this’

He climbs onto the roof of the boat and waves at other boats on the river, having caught their attention, he strips off completely and dances completely naked for at least fifteen minutes, cupping his genitals and shouting general abuse at boats passing by.

The madness passes and he climbs back down.

Bio – ‘Where’s my clothes’

TG – ‘About a mile back I think, they were sinking when I last saw them’

Bio storms off to his cabin while the boat veers dangerously as IS is laughing too hard to steer.

The owner of a small cabin cruiser takes it upon himself to lecture the group on river safety and retreats quickly in a hail of abuse and empty bottles.

12PM Day Three Riverside Pub

TA and TG decide to be the grown ups and walk to the village shop while the rest of the group get the beers in.

TA -‘Why the fuck is TFI your best man?’

TG – ‘Well, I proposed at a black tie do for Trafalgar Day in his solicitor’s garden and he caught me unawares – and drunk too I suppose. Still his heart is in the right place, even if he is a fucking nightmare. He booked this because his girlfriend told him that it would be safer than us all flying abroad, I don’t think that it occurred to her just how badly we can fuck things up.’

TA – it was funny but why did you throw Bio’s clothes in the river?’

TG- ‘Did you see those scars on his legs?’

TA – Yeah, they look newish

TG – ‘They are, the mad cunt tried to hit me out of the blue on a night out with IS and TFI and he wouldn’t stop, so I accidentally put him through a shop window. He was lucky for a couple of reasons, I thought it was a wall behind me and a piece of glass as big as your arm missed his neck by an inch. ‘

TA – ‘Fuck me, but….’

TG – ‘I dusted the silly cunt down and we went to the pub, the landlord called the police and I told him to go and get a cab, He wandered off and by the time that the old bill turned up, IS and TFI were there and we just fronted them down as they couldn’t prove anything. Then they were all grinning and there Bio is standing behind me, covered in blood and looking stupid. When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he just told me to Fuck Off. We were lucky that we only had to pay for the window.’

12:15 PM Day Three The Broads

TG and TA walk into a tiny village store.

They gather up a mass of sausages, burgers, steak and bread. They pick up two portable BBQ units and as much beer as there is on the shelves.

TA – to Shop Owner – ‘Do you have any more beer?’

The shopkeeper goes to the store and leaves the assistant, a young lad, to start the till.

TA – ‘We’ll take all your porn too please’

The assistant blushes furiously and the shopkeeper returns with two more cases of beer.

TA and TG stagger to the nearby pub to get a beer and call a taxi, there’s no way that they can carry all they’ve bought back to the boat.

12:30 PM Day Three Village Pub

TA and TG stagger in with their load and order a couple of beers from the splendidly bewhiskered landlord who’s naturally curious as to what’s going on.

TG- ‘I’m getting married in a few weeks and we ran out of beer on the boat, so we’re moored at the pub on the river and we’ll have a BBQ later today.’

Landlord – ‘Lovely, well, if you want a drink later. I’ll be having a lock-in’


They leave the pub after a short while and take a taxi back to the pub on the river.

1:15 PM Day Three – TG and TA are walking through the pub garden, four well dressed, obviously wealthy and local women are sitting at a table and one of them calls out.

‘Where are you going with all that?’

TG- ‘It’s my stag do, we’re having a BBQ on the boat later, you’re welcome to join us. ‘

The women exchange glances and have a quick chat, they scribble something on a piece of paper.

‘No, you’re OK. BUT. If you want, we’re having a garden party at my house, here’s the directions by water. I’m Jane by the way. Maybe see you there later.’

TA and TG smile broadly and after dumping the food and booze onto the boat walk into the pub, the remainder of the group are at a corner table. Cries of ‘Heatseeker’ and ‘Wankers can be heard.

1:45 PM Day Three Riverside Pub

IS – ‘Are you joking, we’ve all been invited to a party?’

TA and TG – ‘Yes’

IS- ‘could it be a joke?’

TG – Yeah, or a Deliverance type thing, we should have a go though.’

2:45 PM Day Three – The Boat

The group have been following the river for a while now and the prospect of this being a joke or worse seems to be becoming more real, the river has narrowed and is covered over by trees, somebody is humming ‘Duelling Banjos’ as the boat moves slowly into:

2:55 PM Day Three – The House

A private mooring outside a large house, the group walk through the gate into:

2:56 PM Day Three – The Garden

A huge garden, there are over a hundred people there, a marquee and a band is playing soft live music. The group immediately tone themselves down, separate and join the party, champagne is free-flowing and everybody relaxes. It’s a wonderful, unexpected surprise and the hosts are incredibly warm and welcoming.

4PM Day Three – The Garden

Jane to TG – ‘I hear from my dad that you’ve had a few dramas on your boat, it sounds awful, he said that you’re really upset?’

TG – ‘Oh that was your dad, he seems really nice, yes, the boat is pretty fucked if you look at it and the worst of it is that it’s all stupidity. I’d be less upset if we’d had genuine accidents, we’d still have to pay, but the boatyard has a ton of work to do, so they can’t even turn it around when we go back tomorrow. It’s all a bit depressing. ‘

Jane – ‘Sounds it’ She cocks her head and gives a little smile. ‘You don’t know who we are do you?’

TG – ‘Er…. No…. erm.’

Jane – ‘Well you know that you hired your boat from Blakes….’

TG – ‘Fuck me – no..’

Jane – ‘Yep, my dad is Mr Blake, you’ve just told him everything, I’d have a drink if I were you. Also if you want company tonight, me and the girls will join you at the other pub – see you there at seven?’

TG wanders off, legs slightly buckled at what’s happened.

5PM Day Three – The Boat

Is now moored back at the pub and the group are drinking bottled beer as fast as they can, tomorrow is when the boat goes back and they’re fucked. There’s very little conversation.

6PM Day Three – Village Pub

The group enter the bar and shake hands with the landlord, they order drinks and wait for Jane and the others. There’s a small group of young locals giving them dirty looks, but nobody can be bothered to even look at them by this stage.

6:55 PM Day Three – Village Pub

Jane and her friends join the table, one of the locals calls out but they totally ignore him and an animated conversation ensues.

10PM Day Three – Village Pub

The pub will close in a few minutes, TG and TD have to visit the toilet to make room for the lock-in drinks. There’s a tap of TG’s shoulder and he turns to take a punch in the face from one of the locals. It’s not a good one and he licks a tiny drop of blood from his lip before grinning at the local.

TD – ‘We don’t want any trouble, don’t hit him back’

TG – continues to grin at the local

Local – ‘you were asking for it, flashing your money around and hanging out with those rich slag…’

TD has punched him through the door and he’s lying dazed and beaten on the bar floor.

The group have taken up scattered positions around the bar – ready for a fight, the locals that were being hostile seem stunned. TG waves the group to get them to stand down.

TG – to Landlord – ‘We’re so sorry, this little wanker just sucker- punched me, but it’s best if we leave I suppose, but just to be clear, he can’t punch his way out of a wet paper bag and I was going to let it go – He called Jane and the girls slags, we’re not taking that…

Landlord – eying the locals carefully – ‘It would have been nice to drink with you tonight, you seem like good men, I’ll make sure these little shits don’t follow you, although it might be nice to see them try, good luck lads, hope the wedding goes OK.’

10:10 PM Outside the Pub

TG to Jane – ‘Sorry the evening ended like this, it’s been a genuine pleasure to meet you all and we’ll all ‘- he nods at the group ‘remember your generosity and niceness for a long time. Please tell your dad that we’re sorry and that we’ll pay for any damages without argument, just give us the bill. ‘

They hug and all parties go their separate ways

8AM Day Four – The Boat

TG is steering and the boat is now heading back to the boatyard and the reckoning of the bill.

Bio -Anybody want breakfast, we’ve still got all that food, I’ll cook.’

Everybody nods

8:30 AM Day Four – The Boat

Bio has appeared with cups of tea for everybody and there’s been a sound of clattering and sizzling of frying pans for a few minutes, the smell of bacon and cooking meats permeates the air and the group begin to smile.

8:32 AM Day Four – The Boat

The smell of cooking has been replaced by the smell of burning plastic and smoke and flames billow from the galley bellow, TG stops the boat and runs below to see:

8:33 AM Day Four The BoatThe Galley

The Galley roof on fire, there are two portable BBQ units on top of the stove and they have spilled burning charcoal everywhere and creating small fires on the floor. Bio is having a minor meltdown and is panicking.

TG throws the fire extinguisher at Bio and grabs the BBQ units with the oven gloves and throws them overboard. A haze of extinguisher gases comes from the galley.

IS – ‘I don’t suppose you saved any sausages?’

8:36 AM Day Four – The Boat

Bio – arising from the galley, scorched and sooty – ‘Behold’

A plate of sausage sandwiches

10:35 AM Day Four – Blakes Boatyard

TG to the group – ‘There’s no point us all being here, take the stuff to the bus and me and TFI will see how bad it is.’

The Group trudge off and TFI and TG watch the same boatyard hand that gave them the boat walk towards them. he doesn’t look happy, there’s still an occasional whisp of smoke and the boat looks as if it’s come from Dunkirk.

TG – ‘Hi, there’s a bit of damage…’

Blakes Man – ‘WE KNOW. WE KNOW…. I have a message for you from Mr Blake’ He sneers and squints at TG and TFI. ‘Have a great wedding, please never come back.’

TG – ‘Is that it?’

Blakes Man – Yes, go on piss off’

TFI – ‘About our depos…. TG- ‘Shut the fuck up and let’s get out of here’

They walk to the minibus, the sun is shining and TG is grinning like an idiot.


This is all fiction right*, Hey Netflix, I’m available for discussion if you want to film this.

  • Every single word is true and I’ve forgotten some of it

We were lucky enough to meet some extraordinarily generous people who turned a trip into an experience that’s lasted in my memory for over half a lifetime and I thank them all.